


Asra, darling, who the fuck you think I am?

by MercurialComet



Series: 2017 Post-Something Advent [6]
Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: AU- Asra is kind of a hoe, And kinky, Caught, Cheating, F/M, M/M, Nadia whoops ass, RIP Asra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-10 07:37:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12907242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercurialComet/pseuds/MercurialComet
Summary: Nadia caught Lucio cheating, and you'll never guess who it is.





	Asra, darling, who the fuck you think I am?

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off of Tre Melvin's 1-800-Who-The-F*ck-You-Think-I-Am.
> 
> Also, THIS ISN'T CANON, NOR DOES IT FIT ANYWHERE IN IT. THIS IS A JOKE THAT I THOUGHT WOULD BE FUNNY.

 

Asra rushed to Nadia’s personal chambers, harried by an urgent message given to him by one of the servants. As he entered the room, he noticed Nadia crying and immediately went over to comfort her.

 

“Countess Nadia, are you alright?” The woman looked up and gave him a nod. “Asra, thank you for coming so quickly. We just have to wait for Julian now.”

 

“Okay? Why is he needed?”

 

“Why is who needed?” Julian said as he calmly walked inside. “Countess. Asra.” he nodded to both. “Why have I been summoned?” He did a double take at Nadia’s image. “Are you, crying?”

 

“Yes, Julian. I am.”

 

“Countess,” Asra interjected, “what happened?”

 

Nadia stood up, wiping her face. “You two remember meeting Consul Valerius, right?” The two nodded. “Well, today he pulled me aside and told me to head up to Lucio’s room because that’s what I get for spiting him during yesterday's court meeting. So I went up there because I was confused, and guess what I saw?”

 

Julian was on the edge of his seat. “What?”

 

“Another person  _ copulating  _ with Lucio.”

 

“What?!” “Oh my goodness!”

 

Nadia nodded sagely. “Mmmhmm.” She looked down again. “Unfortunately, when I saw this, I had let out a gasp and the homewrecker immediately magicked themselves out of the castle.”

 

“Oh you poor thing.” Julian said, quietly assessing the countess’ posture. “Here, sit down, let me make sure you’re not stressing yourself out.”

 

“In the meantime,” Asra began, walking around the room to get to Nadia’s other side as she laid down on the couch. “What did the person look like?”

 

“I couldn’t really tell because their back was to me, but it’s definitely someone with white hair.”

 

Nadia didn’t notice Asra’s eyes widen, or Julian’s wondering look shot at the mage. The two quietly assessed her vitals, leaving an awkward silence to hang for a few moments.

 

“For real?” Asra squeaked out, slightly bending the silence instead of shattering it.

 

“Yes, for real.” Nadia emphasized. “If only there was someway I could show you what I’ve seen-” She paused, thinking hard for a second before turning to Asra.

 

“Asra, is there some form of magic you could do to show what I’ve seen?” Her tone was pleading.

 

“Well, yes but-” 

 

“That’s great! You can do it right here!” Julian said.

 

“That’s a rather fine idea Julian!” Nadia looked energized again. “We can cast the spell here.”

 

Asra looked slightly pale. “Well, you see, I’ve seem to hit my limit for the day, I’m exhausted-”

 

“Asra, your apprentice told me you woke up and ran over here when the message arrived.” Julian interjected, looking confused. “I nearly ran into them trying to get here quickly and they commented on how strange it was that we were both in such a hurry.”

 

“I don’t even have any of my instruments-”

 

“We can ask to borrow the ones from the library.” Nadia stated, already calling a servant over to give them the order.

 

“You two are just full of answers, aren’t you?”

* * *

“Okay Asra. I’m ready. Cast the spell.”

 

A few arcane flickers sputtered as Asra casually weaved the spell from the air in front of him. A few seconds later, an image floated through the air of the count and an unknown person having a rather enjoyable time in bed.

 

“Is Lucio tied to the bed?” Julian asked, leaning in to get a better view of the picture.

 

“I think so.” Nadia examined. “I very well think so.” She was scratching a line into her desk.

 

Asra was being uncharacteristically quiet.

 

“You know,” Julian started, “even though you can’t really see their face, it kind of reminds me of you Asra.”

 

Nadia looked like a lightbulb had just went off in her brain.

 

“Oh,” Asra said, trying to look surprised. “Really? I mean Julian, you have to remember that there are a lot of people with white hair in Vesuvia.”

 

“That is true, but you have an inclination for certain things in bed and honestly? Seeing this picture reminds me of one of our many times-”

 

“Julian Devorak can you please shut the full fuck up?”

 

Nadia stood up. “Julian, would you mind giving Asra and I some privacy? Be sure to lock the door on your way out.”

* * *

 

Julian put his ear on the door to make sure he heard every bit of action.

 

“Nadia,” Asra started speaking, “is that a new gown, it looks so interest-” He was interrupted by a punching sound.

 

“As-” Punch. 

“-Ra.” Punch. 

“Dar-” Slap. 

“-Ling.” Punch. Julian was wincing at every sound now. 

“Who” Punch. 

“The” Punch. 

“ _ FUCK _ ” Punch.

Nadia’s vocal inflection was so poignant that for a split second, Julian was afraid she was going to kill the magician. 

“You.” Kick. 

“Think” Punch. 

“I” Punch.

“Am?” Slap.

 

The doctor was starting to wish he knew enough magic to be able to look through the door, both so he could see the divine fury of Nadia being unleashed and so he could have a better understanding of the treatments that Asra would need to get better.

 

The sounds of punching still continued on, but you could hear faint snippets of Asra’s voice. 

“ Nadia!” Punch.

“Wait!” Punch.

“We can share!” Punch.

“I can have him Mondays!” Slap.

“Wednesdays?!” Punch.

“Fridays?!” Punch.

“You can have him on the weekends!” Punch.

 

“BITCH!” Nadia's voice roared as she threw one last punch, the sound echoing throughout the wing of the castle.

 

There was a pause before Nadia came walking out, the only obvious detail that she had just been disturbed being a strand of her hair out of place. She turned to look at Julian. “I think Asra overexerted himself with that spell.” She calmly stated. “Would you please take him home and treat him? I have to go talk with my husband.”

 

Julian just quickly nodded and ran inside the chamber to pick up his newest patient.


End file.
